Learn How To Identify Attachment Styles In Popular TV Shows and Movies

I’ve always been an entertainer, but it wasn’t until 2020 that I decided to officially get an agent and dabble in acting whilst being a Trauma Specialist. Embodying all parts of who I am sometimes means being the first, only and different. And I’m okay with that.

Behind both these vocations is a good researcher, I originally created this resource list for the participants inside the Good Human Academy but I want to share it with you here so you can start to understand attachment dynamics while you’re Netflix and chilling. Because who doesn't like to be entertained and learn at the same time!

Let’s face it, most people didn’t get a healthy model for relationships growing up. I know mine was beyond decent, but in our family the MO was to keep mom happy, push things under the rug, suppress emotions (because only Oprah knows how to deal with those) and well, rupture and repair happened sometimes but it was mostly inconsistent.

The relational modelling we get in our youth reflects our relationships as adults. Our attachment styles are not written in stone. With self-awareness and the right guidance and healing you can embody secure attachment.

Disclaimer: These shows and movies have a variety of attachment styles. Whenever there's a relationship there's attachment. It's not about getting things perfect, putting people in boxes or judging yourself or the characters. The writers, producers and actors have intentionally executed the story to make things interesting --- so be open to the complexity of our social construct and the world of entertainment.
I created this list to help you train your eye in understanding relational dynamics, attachment and ultimately humanity.

Get your research hat on!
Grab a notebook or your voice recorder and answer some of the following questions as you watch the suggestions the list. There are 10 questions and 20 movie/TV suggestions. Choose a question or two to ponder each episode and have fun. We learn new things in small pieces so bookmark this article and come back to it as needed. If you want to learn the nitty gritty of each attachment style be sure to watch my Youtube Playlist I’ve curated in Attachment Education.

Identifying Attachment Styles — Reflective Questions:

1. Is this character embodying survival strategies? What aspects of the attachment styles can you spot?
Secure, avoidant, anxious, anxious-resistant/ambivalent, disorganized.

2. Are these characters emotionally attuned or mis-attuned with each other?

3. Spot an example of a character owning their emotions.
Spot an example of a character flipping their lid (blowing up emotionally).
Spot an example of a character asking for what they need.
Spot an example of emotional attunement.

4. Where can you spot a rupture and repair in this episode or scene?

5. Where can you spot a scene with the ABC's of attachment? Attunement, Balance and Coherence.

6. Where can you spot a rupture without repair? And how does it change the dynamics between the characters? Are they more emotionally distant. Does revenge, resentment, stonewalling, hostility or punishment ensue after the rupture without repair?

7. What do you feel in your own body as you're watching the episode? Can you feel your nervous system activating and de-activating? Is your emotional atmosphere affected by the music and non-verbal cues from the characters?

8. Spot a scene where a character is co-regulating and receiving comfort and nurturance.

9. Name a character who finds a Safe Haven and Secure Base outside of the family or partnership.

10. Spot a character that develops healthy boundaries with a family member. What emotions are they emoting that informs them a boundaries needs to be developed? How does their relationship with that family member shift after a new boundary is developed?

**If there’s language in the above questions that’s new to you, that’s normal. Inside the The Good Human Academy and on my youtube channel you can delve deeper.
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List of TV Shows and Movies: 
(In no particular order)

1. Blackish [Series]
This show represents two very important aspects of humanity.
Firstly, a great example of a securely attached family through three generations. Secondly, how being blackish in a world built on systemic racism and gender inequality affects attachment styles outside of the house --- at work, school, in the operating room. The writers have spiced things up for humour but over all this is what a securely attached family looks like. You'll notice generationally the different in parenting approach, I'd say Pops and grandma have more of an insecure attachment style and generally follow older ways of relating and disciplining grandkids and each other. **Season 7 Episode 10 What About Gary speaks directly about attachment styles and fear-based relating. Funny and accurate :)

2. Modern Family [Series]
Much like Blackish, Modern Family shows great examples of a securely attached family at all ages. The insecure bits you may spot is humour sprinkled in by the writers to keep things engaging.

3. Little Fires Everywhere [Series]
A compelling story on motherhood, family dynamics, race and finding safety within other family units. Kerry Washington and Reece Witherspoon play two poignant mothers. There dynamic alone is worth the watch!  If you've ever had a smothering mother or secrets in your family that keep people together or apart you'll be able to relate to this story. Great examples of soothing, rupture and repair, dysfunctional family and social dynamics.

4. High Note [Movie]
A beautiful depiction of a long haul journey of rupture and repair. Within multiple relationships within the movie. Solid secure attachment with father, daughter and mother, son figures incase you're craving healthy modelling as grown adults find comfort and repair with parents.

5. Ozarks [Series]
Fantastic character development, emotional roller coaster. Avoidant examples, disorganized, abuse and neglect. A story about a family laundering money so a lot of complexity within relational dynamics. Great examples of fear based choices and actions. **Spoiler alert. The interesting part about this series is that Jason Bateman, the main character and his family are orienting around the threat of a drug boss who will kill them if they don’t wash enough money on schedule. The heart of any insecure attachment style is orienting around a threat, in this show the threat is a drug boss and Jason Bateman’s lifestyle revolves around appeasing him in order for him and his family to stay alive.

6. The Mindy Project [Series]
Anything Mindy Kaling does is a twist of brilliance, humour and truth. If you've seen this show you already know it's a great example of work relationships, romance, motherhood and the complexity of all of that in one. You'll see quite the potpourri of attachment dynamics here. Her character specifically dances with fear and anxious well and she expresses her emotions very bluntly which is always refreshing :)

7. Upload [Series]
A futuristic take on the complexity of time/space travel, virtual and fantasy relationships. If you're into futuristic or alternate universe rom com stories this is for you. You'll spot manipulative behaviours and avoidant dynamics. There's also a caring father, daughter dynamic that is a healthy model for secure attachment and emotional attunement.

8. Good Doctor [Series]
Freddie Highmore plays a surgeon [Dr. Murphy] with autism. His relationship with his mentor in the show Dr. Glassman is a classic Secure Base example. A great series to watch to understand the complexities and nuances of emotional attunement and how even if you've experience childhood trauma or adversities earned secure attachment is very much achievable.

9. Never Have I Ever [Series]
This show will have you laughing. Hands down one of the best TV shows released in 2020 IMO. The mother has one agenda, daughter has another which makes for relatable dynamics no matter your age. There's loss, rupture and delayed repair, finding a safe haven at a friend's. Neglect, emotional mis-attunement. The series is through the lense of a southeast asian teenager and produced by Mindy Kaling which lends the story to the attachment experience of individuals who are WOC.

10. Shawn Mendes Documentary In Wonder [Documentary Movie]
Our culture tends to put singers on pedestals. This documentary shows that the rise to stardom isn't easy. His family support system (secure base/safe haven) really stood out to me in this documentary. Great examples of proximity maintenance, his family having his back, emotional attunement, pushing his body to it's limits, rupture and repair.

11. Waves [Movie]
This movie packs a punch. One of my favourites of all time but emotionally intense, so don't say I didn't warn you. It's about love and ultimately how a father, son bond can be very toxic. Dysfunctional family dynamic, a potpourri of attachment styles, high highs, low lows, punishment, trying to live up to parent and cultural expectations. Kelvin Harris Jr. is the lead and always shows up with an honest and raw performance. Worth it-- just make sure you have the tissue box close by and someone to hug!

12. Good Girls [Series]
One of my favourite TV shows, great example of how you can lead a perfectly normal life and have a secret life behind the scenes which is the epitome of an avoidant attachment style. Much like the Ozarks these ladies change their lifestyle to orient around the threat of a drug boss. Truly the potpourri of attachment!

13. The Meddler [Movie]
A classic example of a mother looking for happiness through her daughter's life. Great examples of secure, anxious attachment, intrusive behaviour, overbearing mothering and developing healthy boundaries. A beautiful and relatable story showing how love, healing and transformation can happen at any age or stage of life when all parties are willing to take responsibility for their part in the whole.

14. Tales of The City [Series]
Top notch examples of secure, avoidant and anxious attachment. This series evokes unconditional love, diversity in gender identity, sex, race and blended families in a one of a kind way. Great examples of rupture and repair, safe haven, the avoidance dance, betrayal and the complexity of social, cultural and familial constructs.

15. Malcolm and Marie [Movie]
This movie demonstrate the toxic dance of emotional abuse, trauma bonds, codependency and insecure relationships. Verbal and emotional abuse is beyond normalized in our culture, I work with people everyday who are learning how to differentiate toxic love from real love. This film is basically 1hr 45mins of toxic love. An example of the high highs and low lows of insecure attachment dynamics.

16. The Fosters [Series]
This series shows two mom’s doing their best to give a safe haven and be the secure bases for kids from attachment disrupted and traumatic backgrounds. There are some great examples of rupture and repair, abandonment, sibling dynamics, withholding information as a survival response and the journey of foster children/teens and adoption.

17. Zoe’s Extraordinary Playlist [Series]
Zoe’s family is securely attached. As they move through birth, death and the trials and tribulations of life the mother’s house is clearly a safe haven for Zoe, her brother’s family and many of her friends. The show also does a great job at demonstrating both secure and insecure attachment behaviours in a work place environment specifically when it comes to racism, sexism and the LGBTQIA2S+ community in the tech industry in Silicon Valley.

18. Instant Family [Movie]
A couple does their best to be loving parents to three children that connect with them through the foster care system. Without any spoiler alerts two things stuck out to me in this movie. One: it demonstrate how intense emotions are meant to bring us closer together. Great scene of father daughter bonding.
Two: it shows how safety and belonging can be an incredibly scary thing for someone whose never felt that in their life and only knows abandonment and instability. A beautiful story of patience, persistence and real love.

19. FireFly Lane [Series]
The two main characters are a solid example of a securely attached friendship that spans over decades — middle school through menopause. I truly appreciate this friendship because it shows that you only need one person to have your back, to make it in life, no matter how unstable your childhood was.


20. Dream Home Makeover
You may be wondering why a home makeover show is on this list. This show is a real life example of a family running a successful business and raising 3 securely attached daughters. There are some great examples of rupture and repair and kiddos making mistakes with no shame or punishment from the parents.