Inner Child, Inner Conflict: Understanding the Adaptive Child in Relationships
We all have an inner child or little one that influences how we show up in our relationships. But did you know that the part of us most responsible for conflict isn't the wounded, vulnerable inner child often talked about in therapy? It's the Adaptive Child — the part of us that learned to survive difficult situations in the past.
The Adaptive Child isn’t bad or wrong. It was essential for getting through challenging times. However, its strategies — rooted in survival rather than connection — can wreak havoc in our relationships. Let’s explore how this happens and what you can do about it.
The Adaptive Child’s Sticky Fingers
The Adaptive Child responds to stress in relationships with deeply ingrained survival patterns:
Fight: Anger, criticism, sarcasm, tantrums
Flight: Avoidance, emotional withdrawal, stonewalling
Freeze: Shutting down, dissociation
Fawn: People-pleasing, over-apologizing
Fix: Taking on responsibility for everyone’s emotions
These responses might have kept you safe as a child, but in adult relationships, they often create disconnection. To illustrate, let’s look at the dynamics between Alex and Sam.
Meet Alex and Samantha
Alex grew up in a household where his opinions were often dismissed, and his emotions weren’t validated. To survive, Alex developed a Fixer mentality, always trying to anticipate and solve problems to avoid conflict.
Samantha, on the other hand, grew up with a volatile parent who often criticized her harshly. To protect herself, Sam’s Adaptive Child leans heavily on Fight responses like sarcasm and defensiveness.
One evening, Alex comes home from work feeling drained and notices that Samantha hasn’t started dinner as they had agreed.
The Adaptive Child Takes Over
Alex’s Adaptive Child thinks: "If I don’t take care of everything, nothing will get done." Instead of calmly expressing their feelings, Alex sighs loudly and says:
“I guess I’ll do everything again tonight, as usual.”
Samantha’s Adaptive Child instantly flares up: "I’m not good enough for them. I’ll never get it right, so why bother?" Feeling attacked, Samantha snaps back:
“Seriously? You’re always complaining. Maybe you should just stop nagging and take a break!”
Alex feels unappreciated and, true to their Fixer tendencies, tries to smooth things over:
“I’m just tired, okay? Forget it, I’ll handle it.”
Meanwhile, Samantha, overwhelmed by guilt and frustration, retreats to the bedroom, slamming the door behind them (a Flight response).
When Survival Strategies Create Disconnection
In this exchange, Alex’s Fixing and Samantha’s Fighting/Flight responses are their Adaptive Children at work:
Alex’s Fixer: Learned to avoid conflict by solving problems, often at their own expense. In adulthood, this creates resentment and a sense of overwhelm.
Samantha’s Fighter: Learned to protect themselves by deflecting criticism and going on the offense. This keeps others at a distance but also deepens feelings of inadequacy.
Neither of these strategies addresses the real issue: both Alex and Samantha feel unseen and unsupported, but their Adaptive Children are too busy defending old wounds to connect.
The Adaptive Child vs. The Wise Adult
The Wise Adult is the part of us able to see the ‘us’ in partnership and is capable of calm, compassionate, and clear communication. Unlike the Adaptive Child, the Wise Adult doesn’t react out of fear or old patterns. It responds with kindness, intention and emotional maturity.
Imagine if Alex and Samantha had paused to let their Wise Adults take the wheel:
Alex (Wise Adult): “I’m feeling overwhelmed from work today, and I’d really appreciate some help with dinner. Can we talk about how to make this easier for both of us?”
Samantha (Wise Adult): “I didn’t realize you were feeling so depleted. I still have some left in the tank. I’ll make that quick dish we both love tonight. Will you get some extra rest tonight and tackle dinner tomorrow night instead?”
It’s not a magic solution, but it’s a far cry from the disconnection caused by their Adaptive Children.
Recognizing Your Inner Child
The first step to improving your relationship is learning to identify when your Wounded Child, Adaptive Child, or Wise Adult is driving your brain and actions.
The Wounded Child feels pain and vulnerability from past hurts. It needs compassion and care but often stays quiet in the background.
The Adaptive Child protects the Wounded Child using survival strategies, often in ways that create conflict.
The Wise Adult can step in to break old patterns and create connection, but only if you’re aware of the other two parts and know how to re-regulate yourself.
Demoting the Adaptive Child
The goal isn’t to eliminate your Adaptive Child — after all, it kept you safe for years. But it’s time to demote it. Get its sticky fingers off the steering wheel, give it a metaphorical snack, and thank it for its service. Then, put it in the back seat next to your Wounded Child, where it belongs.
Here’s what you can say to yourself in those moments:
"Adaptive Child, I see you. Thank you for protecting me, and you’re not allowed to run my relationship. I, the Wise Adult, am in charge now."
The Wise Adult offers:
Nurture for the Wounded Child: Reassure yourself that it’s okay to feel hurt or scared.
Guidance for the Adaptive Child: Help it understand when its strategies are causing harm.
Limits for the Adaptive Child: Set boundaries to prevent it from taking over.
The Path Forward
The work of demoting your Adaptive Child is ongoing. As you grow and your relationship evolves, the way your inner parts show up will also change. The key is to keep checking in:
When do these parts show up?
What are they trying to protect me from?
How can my Wise Adult take the steering wheel?
With practice, you can shift from reactive patterns to intentional regulation and connection, creating a relationship where both you and your partner feel supported, seen and are agile enough to course correct when needed.
Ready to Befriend Your Inner Child?
If this resonates with you, I’d love to help you take the next steps. Through individual or couples sessions, intensives, or online or in-person workshops, we’ll work together to:
Identify your Wounded and Adaptive Child patterns.
Strengthen your Wise Adult.
Build healthier, more connected relationships with new skills and integration
Book a session today and start transforming your inner child dynamics — and your love life.
