Gaslighting: A Fight Response in Disguise
When we think about biological stress responses, the most familiar are fight, flight, freeze, fawn, and fix. These responses are the nervous system’s way of ensuring survival when we perceive a threat. But how do these show up in the subtleties of relationships, especially in unhealthy patterns like gaslighting?
Gaslighting, often described as a form of emotional manipulation where someone makes another person doubt their reality, is typically a fight response in disguise. It’s a way of asserting control, avoiding vulnerability, and deflecting perceived threats—whether the “threat” is accountability, conflict, or emotional discomfort.
Understanding Gaslighting Through the Lens of Fight
The fight response arises when we feel threatened and seek to regain a sense of safety or power through confrontation. While fight responses can manifest as direct anger or aggression, they can also appear in more subtle forms like gaslighting. Here’s why gaslighting aligns with fight:
Control as Protection: Gaslighting often stems from a need to control the narrative, which allows the person gaslighting to maintain power or avoid feeling exposed. For example, denying someone’s memory of an event or twisting their words keeps them off balance, which can feel like “winning” a relational battle.
Defensiveness: People who gaslight often struggle with vulnerability. By rewriting reality, they shield themselves from accountability or emotional pain. It’s a protective stance, even if it’s destructive.
Subtle Aggression: Gaslighting can be a way of fighting back without overt conflict. It’s an attempt to undermine the other person’s confidence, creating doubt to protect the gaslighter's emotional safety.
A Common Scenario of Gaslighting
Let’s meet Alex and Riley, a couple navigating a heated discussion.
Alex: “You promised you’d handle the bills this month, but it’s late again.”
Riley (gaslighting): “I never said that. You’re imagining things. Maybe you should write these things down because your memory is always off.”
In this exchange, Riley feels attacked and moves into a fight response—not with shouting or overt aggression but through manipulation. By denying reality, Riley deflects responsibility and shifts focus onto Alex, maintaining a sense of control while avoiding emotional discomfort.
The Biological Root of Gaslighting
Gaslighting is more than just bad behavior—it’s a survival strategy rooted in the nervous system’s fight response. For someone who resorts to gaslighting, there may be a history of environments where vulnerability was dangerous or accountability felt like a direct threat to self-worth. Over time, they learned to protect themselves by bending reality to avoid feeling exposed or powerless.
When Gaslighting Combines with Other Responses
While gaslighting is primarily a fight response, it can sometimes mingle with other stress responses:
Freeze: A gaslighter may dissociate from their own feelings or truths, making their manipulation less intentional and more of a subconscious defense mechanism.
Fawn: Rarely, gaslighting may appear as a way to placate someone else while concealing true intentions, blending people-pleasing with subtle control.
The Impact on Relationships
In relationships, gaslighting can cause deep harm. It erodes trust, undermines confidence, and creates a power imbalance. The person being gaslit may feel confused, dismissed, and emotionally unsafe, while the gaslighter remains trapped in their own cycle of defensiveness and fear.
For example, Alex might begin to question their own memory or feel anxious about raising concerns, further destabilizing the relationship. Riley, on the other hand, may struggle with guilt or self-loathing but feel incapable of breaking the pattern without help.
Healing the Pattern: Shifting Out of Fight
Gaslighting, like any stress response, can be unlearned with awareness and practice. The first step is recognizing the fight response in action and understanding its roots.
Identify the Trigger: What makes you feel threatened? Often, it’s a fear of vulnerability, accountability, or emotional discomfort.
Practice Self-Regulation: Building nervous system regulation tools, like deep breathing or grounding exercises, can help interrupt the fight response.
Name the Pattern: If you’ve engaged in gaslighting, owning it is crucial. “I realize I dismissed your feelings earlier because I felt defensive, and I’m sorry.”
Work Toward Repair: Both partners can benefit from tools to foster trust, open communication, and emotional safety.
The Role of the Wise Adult
To move beyond gaslighting, we must engage our wise adult self—the part of us capable of empathy, accountability, and relational connection. This involves demoting the adaptive child (the one who learned to manipulate or deflect to stay safe) and taking the steering wheel as a compassionate, present adult.
The goal isn’t perfection but progress: learning how to communicate authentically, repair ruptures, and build safety together.
Ready to Explore Deeper?
If gaslighting or other stress responses are impacting your relationship, professional support can help. In my work with couples, I teach partners how to recognize their stress patterns, build regulation skills, and communicate from a place of connection.
Book a private session or an intensive weekend to start transforming the way you and your partner show up for each other. Let’s get to the root of what’s keeping you stuck—and build a path toward a healthier, more connected relationship.
