Breaking the Cycle: How Childhood Trauma Impacts Your Relationship Today (and What You Can Do About It)
Do you ever feel like your partner’s behaviours hit a nerve, reminding you of a wound from your childhood? Maybe their habit of shutting down triggers that familiar pang of loneliness. Or their tendency to dismiss your feelings feels eerily similar to something your parent did.
You’re not alone. Many people are starting to become more aware that unresolved childhood trauma is wreaking havoc on their relationships. As Dr. Gabor Maté says, “Trauma is not what happens to us, but what happens inside us in the absence of an empathetic witness.”
Recognizing the impact of childhood wounds is the first step toward breaking the cycle and reclaiming the connection you truly desire. In this article, we’ll explore two key ways trauma shows up in relationships—modelling and reacting—and what you can do to start healing.
How Trauma Shapes Us: Modelling and Reacting
Reacting: Survival Strategies That Worked Then, but Hurt Now
As children, we adapt to our environments to survive emotionally. If your caregivers were cold, walled-off, or emotionally unavailable, you may have worked hard to gain their love and attention. These survival strategies often lead to behaviours like pursuing your partner in times of conflict, people-pleasing, or over-functioning in relationships.
Take this example:
If your parents were distant and you felt abandoned emotionally, you may have developed a pattern of pursuing connection at all costs. In adulthood, this can look like over-giving or folding yourself into a pretzel to avoid rejection. No matter how much love your partner offers, it might never feel like enough because there’s still a part of you that feels like an unquenchable desert—dry, desperate, and yearning for connection.
This reactive behaviour, rooted in “little t” trauma like emotional absence, can take the driver’s seat in your marriage. Your inner adaptive child works tirelessly to stay connected, using strategies like fight, fawn, or fix to avoid reliving the pain of feeling unloved. Our biology is so very smart.
Modelling: Following the Patterns You Saw
Sometimes, we unknowingly replicate the dynamics we observed growing up. This is called modelling—a way we unconsciously learned what relationships are supposed to look like.
For example:
A boy grows up in a household where his father doesn’t show soft emotions, emotionally distant, and rarely engages with the daily family activities. The only emotion his father readily expresses is anger, sporadically and unpredictably. The father never shows softer emotions—no tears, little affection and no open-hearted vulnerability.
Meanwhile, the boy’s mother copes by pretending everything is fine. The boy learns that emotions are either overwhelming (like his father’s anger) or to be buried and ignored (like his mother’s and father’s avoidance).
Fast forward to adulthood, and the now-grown man mirrors his father’s behaviours in his own marriage. He works hard, zones out in front of the TV, and avoids meaningful conversations with his wife. To him, this is normal—after all, it’s what he grew up with.
Meanwhile, his wife feels neglected and craves emotional connection. She doesn’t understand why he’s so cold or uninterested in her inner world. The result? A cycle of pursuing and withdrawing, where one partner chases connection while the other retreats behind a wall. This is a common little “t” trauma playing out in a modern marriage.
What You Can Do About It
Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward healing. Trauma isn’t just about wars, fires, or catastrophic events. It also includes the emotional gaps from childhood—the moments of absence, neglect, or unmet needs that left us feeling unworthy or unsafe.
So, how do you break the cycle?
Awareness: Begin by noticing the behaviours you’re modelling or the ways you’re reacting. Ask yourself:
Am I over-functioning or people-pleasing in my relationship?
Do I shut down emotionally or avoid conflict because it feels too overwhelming?
Am I repeating patterns from my parents, even if they don’t serve me?
Seek Professional Support: Healing childhood trauma isn’t something you have to do alone. Working with a skilled body-based practitioner can help you untangle these survival-based parts and integrate them into a healthier, more connected version of yourself.
Commit to Micro Changes: Healing doesn’t happen overnight. Start small. Practice expressing a softer emotion, like appreciation or vulnerability, even if it feels uncomfortable. Genuinely expressing ‘I miss you’ can be a great first step. Or, if you’re the pursuer, try pausing before reaching out, giving your partner space to come toward you.
Ready to Heal and Reconnect?
What behaviours in your relationship feel like echoes of your past? Are you modeling the dynamics you grew up with or reacting from unresolved wounds?
You don’t have to stay stuck in these patterns. Through my work in developmental trauma healing (Kathy Kain and Stephen Terrell), Somatic Experiencing® (Peter Levine), and Relational Life Therapy®(Terry Real), I’ve guided many individuals and couples to break free from these cycles and rebuild their relationships with authenticity, courage and love in Couples Intensives.
If this resonates, I invite you to take the first step. Click here to book a complimentary call and start your journey toward healing. Together, we’ll create a new path—one where connection, trust, and relational joy are possible.
