Fight, Flight, or Freeze: Understanding How Your Nervous System Affects Your Love Life

Ever feel like you're having the same fight over and over with your partner?
Or maybe you avoid conflict altogether, but deep down, you feel stuck or disconnected. It turns out your nervous system may be playing a much bigger role in your relationship dynamics than you realize.

Let’s break it down.

Your body and brain are hardwired to scan your environment — including your partner — for signs of safety or danger. This happens automatically, every quarter of a second, whether you’re aware of it or not. When your nervous system senses a threat (real or perceived), it reacts with protective responses: fight, flight, freeze, fawn, or fix. These are biological, survival-based reactions, and while they can be helpful in actual danger, they often get in the way of love, connection, and intimacy.

Here’s how these nervous system responses can show up in a relationship:

A Relatable Example

Let’s imagine a same-sex couple, Joe and Patrick. Joe’s nervous system tends toward flight (wanting to escape) and fawning (appeasing the other person). Patrick, on the other hand, leans into fight (asserting control, often through anger) and holds a grandiose or "one-up" position in conflict.

Here’s how a typical disagreement between them might look:

Joe: (Notices Patrick is on his third beer, starting to slur and sway.) “I’ve told you so many times not to be this way and to stop drinking so much. It really hurts me.”
Patrick: “I’m not doing anything wrong. I’ve only had two drinks. Why are you making a big deal out of nothing?”
Joe: “No, you’re on your third one, and this is the second time this week you’ve done this.”
Patrick: “Are you keeping track? What’s wrong with unwinding after work? Why are you being like this?”

At this point, Joe starts to feel a familiar sense of unease. His inner dialogue says: “Don’t upset him. Don’t provoke him. Just get out of here.” His nervous system activates a flight response, signaling that his safety (emotional, not physical) is at risk. Even though Patrick has never lashed out physically, Joe feels compelled to leave. He grabs his bag and walks out the door.

Patrick, meanwhile, is flooded with feelings of abandonment and rejection. This triggers his fight response. Hurt and angry, Patrick bombards Joe’s phone with text messages: “You’re such a terrible partner! You’re always making me feel this way. You’re the reason we’re in this mess!” He lashes out from a place of deep emotional pain, justifying his words in the heat of the moment.

What’s Really Happening Here?

From the outside, this looks like a classic relationship fight. But underneath the surface, it’s their nervous systems running the show.

• Joe’s flight response makes him retreat to protect himself from the perceived emotional threat of Patrick’s defensiveness.

• Patrick’s fight response makes him attack because he feels triggered by Joe’s departure and needs to regain a sense of control and connection, albeit in an unhealthy way.

Both are trying to protect themselves, but instead, they end up hurting each other and deepening the cycle of disconnection.

How to Break the Cycle

Here’s the good news: These patterns aren’t permanent. When we learn how to regulate our nervous systems — both on our own (self-regulation) and with our partners (co-regulation) — we can respond to conflict differently.

Instead of reacting automatically from a triggered state, we can pause, notice what’s happening, and choose a more thoughtful, connected response. This is a skill that can be learned and practiced with the right guidance.

When I work with couples and individuals, I help them identify their unique stress responses and give them step-by-step tools to:

• Recognize when their nervous systems are triggered.

• Soothe themselves in the moment.

• Build the capacity to stay connected and engaged, even during conflict.

What Patterns Are Playing Out in Your Relationship?

Take a moment to reflect: What behaviors in your relationship might be driven by fight, flight, freeze, fawn, or fix responses? Are you stuck in a cycle of disconnection, despite your best efforts?

If this resonates with you, I’d love to help. Whether you’re navigating this on your own or with a partner, healing these patterns is possible. Book a session or a couples intensive weekend with me to start breaking free from these cycles and building the love life you truly want.

Let’s work together to create a relationship where both of you feel seen, playful, and connected.