Why Traditional Therapy Doesn’t Always Work for Relationships (and What to Try Instead)
If you’ve been in couples therapy before and felt like it didn’t get to the root of your issues, you’re not alone. Many of the couples I work with have already spent months—sometimes years— in therapy that didn’t create the deep change they were hoping for. While traditional talk therapy can work beautifully for some couples, it’s not always enough for relationships stuck in miserable patterns, unresolved trauma, or power imbalances.
From my experience, here’s why.
Neutrality Can Be a Problem
Most traditional therapy approaches couples from a neutral stance, meaning both partners are treated as equally responsible for the problems in the relationship. On the surface, this sounds fair, but what happens when one partner’s actions hold significantly more weight in the dynamic?
Take this example: one partner forgets to turn off the lights or loses the keys occasionally. The other partner yells at them weekly and, during a heated argument, once spit on their windshield. Are these behaviours equal? Absolutely not. Forgetfulness may be annoying, but yelling and spitting are violations of respect and abuse that creates fear and erodes trust.
In many therapy settings, the conversation on this issue might look like this:
Therapist: “During that heated argument how did you feel?”
Partner A: “I felt disrespected, so I spit, it wasn’t a big deal.”
Therapist to Partner B: “Your partner is saying he felt disrespected, why do you think that is?”
And while that dialogue has its place, it fails to address the power imbalance. Relational Life Therapy (RLT), which is the framework I use, takes a different approach. I don’t stay neutral when a partner’s behaviour—like yelling or spitting in this example—is clearly more harmful than being forgetful. Instead, I hold them accountable, helping them see how their actions are damaging to not only their partner but also their shared relationship. This isn’t about shaming; it’s about addressing grandiosity head on, toe to toe and telling it as I see it so we can start to move towards change.
We work through the imbalance first because without managing behaviours that hold disproportionate power in a relationship, no amount of communication tools or skill-building will make a difference.
The Part of You That Doesn't Use the Skills
Traditional therapy often focuses on teaching couples communication skills: active listening, “I statements,” and conflict resolution techniques. These are important—and they don’t address the deeper issue. What happens when you know what to do, but you just don’t do it in the heat of the moment?
That’s where I come in. The work I do goes beneath the surface to address the part of you that hijacks your relationship—the part that reacts from stress, fear, or old wounds and defenses instead of your wise, adult self. When our nervous system is stuck in fight, flight, freeze, fawn, or fix mode, it’s impossible to respond thoughtfully. Why? Becuase the higher thinking part of our brain, the prefrontal cortex is offline if our autonomic nervous system is too activated and we’re flooded.
I teach couples how to recognize these knee-jerk reactions in their bodies and regulate themselves so they can lead from a calmer, more grounded place. This isn’t just about managing conflict—it’s about creating a sense of non-judgement and connection in your relationship.
Trauma Healing in Front of Your Partner
One of the most transformative aspects of my work is that we do deep trauma healing in the presence of your partner. Most therapy separates individual trauma work from couples therapy, but I’ve found that deep healing happens when your partner witnesses your story—your raw, unfiltered truth.
For example, if one partner struggles with explosive anger, we may uncover that they learned to yell because that’s how they were spoken to as a child. When their partner can see the pain and fear behind the behaviour, something shifts. Compassion grows, walls come down, and both partners stop seeing each other as the enemy.
This process not only heals trauma but also deepens connection, because when we understand why our partner reacts the way they do, we can meet them with empathy and regulation instead of blame.
Why Mind-Body Connection Matters
Lasting change doesn’t just happen in the mind—it needs to land in the body. Through somatic practices inspired by the work of two of my favourite teachers, Dr. Kathy Kain and Dr. Stephen Terrell, I help couples retrain their nervous systems for calm, connection, and resilience. This is where neuroplasticity comes in: when we create new, healthier patterns of relating, we literally rewire our brains.
My approach also integrates systemic family constellations and socio-cultural lenses. I help couples see how their individual stories, family histories, and cultural conditioning affect their relationship dynamics. This systemic perspective allows us to address the root causes of conflict rather than just the symptoms.
What Makes Relational Life Therapy® Different?
We don’t stay neutral: Power imbalances, grandiosity and destructive behaviours are addressed head-on.
We tackle what’s beneath the surface: It’s not just about learning skills; it’s about transforming the parts of you that resist using them.
Trauma healing happens together: Witnessing your partner’s real wounds and adaptations from childhood builds compassion and connection.
It’s mind-body focused: Real change happens when it’s felt in your body, not just understood in your head.
Ready to Transform Your Relationship?
If you’re tired of the same arguments, the same hurt, and the same stuckness, there’s hope. The work I do with couples—whether in weekly sessions or weekend intensives—goes deeper than traditional therapy. It’s designed to help you heal old wounds, break unhelpful patterns, and build a relationship that feels safe, connected, and truly loving.
If this resonates, let’s talk.
[Book a Couples Session] or [Book An Intensives].
Your relationship is worth it. And so are you.
