How Stress Responses Hijack Your Love Life
How Stress Responses Hijack Your Love Life
Relationships can feel like a rollercoaster sometimes — thrilling highs and gut-wrenching lows. But what if some of the turbulence in your love life isn’t about your partner or the situation at hand? What if it’s your nervous system running the show?
The connection between your stress responses and your relationship dynamics is profound. And here’s the kicker: it’s happening whether you’re aware of it or not.
The Science Behind Stress Responses
Our bodies are wired to keep us safe. Every quarter of a second, your brain and body scan your environment — including your interactions with your partner — asking, “Am I safe, or do I need to protect myself?”
When the answer is “I need protection,” your nervous system jumps into action, activating one of its stress responses: fight, flight, freeze, fawn, or fix. These are biological reflexes designed to help us survive danger. In relationships, they often lead to disconnection, misunderstanding, and hurt feelings.
Let’s dive into an example to see how this might play out.
Imagine Sam and Clara.
Sam tends to freeze and fix in stressful situations, feeling paralyzed or hyper-focused on resolving the conflict to keep the peace.
Clara leans into fight and flight, moving quickly between anger and the urge to pull away to protect herself.
Here’s how a small disagreement might escalate:
Sam: (Notices Clara scrolling on her phone during dinner.) “Hey, are you okay? You’ve been quiet tonight.”
Clara: (Still scrolling.) “I’m fine. Just tired.”
Sam: “You’ve been on your phone a lot lately. It feels like you’re avoiding me.”
Clara: (Snapping.) “Can’t I just relax for a second? Not everything is about you, Sam!”
At this point, Sam freezes. His mind races with thoughts like: “She’s upset. What did I do wrong? How can I fix this?” He goes quiet, staring at his plate, feeling unsure of what to say or do next.
Clara, meanwhile, feels the heat rising in her chest. Her fight response is activated, but at the same time, her flight response whispers, “Just leave the table. This is too much.” She pushes back her chair, grabs her plate, and says: “I can’t do this right now.” She heads to the living room, leaving Sam alone at the table.
What’s Really Happening
On the surface, this looks like a typical moment of tension. But underneath, Sam and Clara’s nervous systems are operating on autopilot:
Sam’s freeze response leaves him stuck in silence, unsure of how to respond. His fix response makes him mentally scramble for ways to “make it better.”
Clara’s fight response fuels her sharp tone and defensiveness, while her flight response urges her to leave the situation entirely.
Both are reacting from a place of self-protection, but their reactions drive a wedge between them.
Why This Happens
When our nervous systems are triggered, they operate from the lower brain, the reptilian brain — the part responsible for survival and self-protection not relational harmony. This means empathy, thinking of ‘us’ and connection (which come from the upper brain) are harder to access in the moment.
This is why people often look back at fights and think, “Why did I say that? I didn’t even mean it!” or “Why didn’t I just speak up instead of shutting down?” These aren’t failures of willpower or personality; they’re biological reactions to perceived threats. Remember, our brain scans for threat and danger every quarter of a second.
How to Shift the Cycle
Here’s the thing: You can’t stop your nervous system from reacting — it’s designed to do that. But you can learn to recognize the signs of being triggered/activated and respond differently.
When couples build tools for self-regulation (calming their own nervous systems) and co-regulation (working together to create safety in the relationship), they can break out of these reactive patterns.
For example, Sam could learn to notice the early signs of freezing (like holding his breath or feeling foggy) and practice grounding techniques to stay present. Clara could practice recognizing when her fight response is activated and take a breath of fresh air for 5 mins before speaking.
With practice, they could have a very different interaction:
Sam: “Hey, are you okay? You’ve been quiet tonight.”
Clara: “Yeah, I’m tired, but I can see how me being on my phone might feel dismissive. Let me put it away.”
Sam: “Thanks, I appreciate that. Is there anything I can do to help you unwind?”
This is the power of two co-regulating nervous systems: connection and collaboration instead of conflict and disconnection.
Take the First Step
Does this sound familiar? Are you and your partner caught in patterns of reactivity that leave you feeling stuck or distant?
The good news is, these patterns can change. I work with individuals and couples to help them identify their stress responses, regulate their nervous systems, and build deeper, more meaningful connections.
Book a session or a couples intensive weekend with me to start creating the relationship you’ve always wanted. Let’s work together to bring safety, understanding, and love back into your connection.
