Inner Child, Outer Conflict: How Your Past Shapes Your Present

Have you ever wondered why certain conflicts with your partner seem to come out of nowhere? Why a seemingly small disagreement can spiral into something much bigger? The answer often lies with our inner child — or more specifically, the three parts of you that show up in relationships:

1. The Wounded Child

2. The Adaptive (or Survival) Child

3. The Wise Adult

Each of these parts plays a role in how you relate to your partner, but not all of them are helpful. In fact, the Adaptive Child, which protects the Wounded Child, often hijacks the steering wheel and drives your relationship into conflict. Let’s break this down using a thread of one example and explore how you can regain control.

Meet Jamie and Taylor

Jamie and Taylor have been together for five years. One morning, Jamie notices that Taylor left dirty dishes in the sink — again. Jamie immediately feels a surge of anger and thinks, "Why can’t they just do what I’ve asked a hundred times?!"

Here’s what’s really happening inside Jamie:

• The Wounded Child: This is the part of Jamie that feels invisible and unheard, echoing childhood experiences where their needs were dismissed.

• The Adaptive Child: This part leaps into action, trying to protect the Wounded Child. It’s fueled by survival strategies like anger (fight response), sarcasm, or shutting down (flight). Jamie’s Adaptive Child says, "If I don’t push back, they’ll never take me seriously."

• The Wise Adult: This part of Jamie knows the situation is about the dishes but also about deeper feelings of being unseen. It’s the voice that could calmly express those feelings and make a request without attacking Taylor. Unfortunately, the Wise Adult is often drowned out by the Adaptive Child’s urgency.

Why Traditional Therapy Often Misses the Mark

Most therapy focuses on the Wounded Child, working to heal the pain of past neglect, abandonment, or hurt. And while this is important work, here’s the kicker:
Your Wounded Child rarely shows up in your relationship.

It’s your Adaptive Child — the one who learned to survive by fighting, fleeing, freezing, fawning, or fixing — that shows up in the heat of the moment. This part of you is trying to protect the Wounded Child, but its strategies often create misery in your relationship.

For Jamie, the Adaptive Child’s strategy might look like snapping at Taylor:

“I’m so sick of this. You’re so selfish! Why do I even bother asking for help if you’re just going to ignore me?”

Taylor, feeling attacked, retreats to their own Adaptive Child response:

“I didn’t mean to upset you, but maybe if you didn’t nag so much, I’d actually want to help!”

And just like that, both Jamie and Taylor are off to the races, with their Adaptive Children at the wheel.

The Adaptive Child’s Sticky Fingers

The Adaptive Child learned to survive difficult situations in the past, but it’s not equipped to handle the complexities of a healthy adult relationship. It responds with well-worn patterns in 1/4 of a second:

• Fight: Anger, criticism, sarcasm, lashing out

• Flight: Avoidance, emotional withdrawal, stonewalling

• Freeze: Shutting down, dissociation, zoning and scrolling

• Fawn: Appeasing, over-apologizing

• Fix: Taking on responsibility for everyone’s emotions

For Jamie, snapping at Taylor is a classic fight response, while Taylor’s defensiveness and retreat is a mix of fight and flight. These responses worked to keep them safe in the past, but in their relationship, they lead to disconnection.

Demoting Your Adaptive Child

The goal isn’t to get rid of your Adaptive Child — it’s to demote it. You want to take its sticky fingers off the steering wheel of your life and relationship, give it a snack, and move it to the back seat where it belongs, next to your Wounded Child.

This means saying:
"Thank you for trying to protect me, I need you to know you’re not allowed to run my relationship. I, the Wise Adult, am in charge now, I love you, go sit in the backseat."

The Wise Adult steps in with calm authority, offering three key things your inner child needs:

1. Nurture: Reassure the Wounded Child that their feelings are valid and they are safe.

2. Guidance: Help the Adaptive Child understand when their strategies are causing harm.

3. Limits: Set boundaries with the Adaptive Child to ensure they don’t take over.

A Wise Adult Response

Imagine if Jamie had responded from their Wise Adult instead of their Adaptive Child:

“Taylor, when I see the dishes in the sink, it brings up feelings of being ignored. Can we talk about how we can share responsibilities better?”

This approach isn’t perfect, and it may not guarantee a smooth conversation or get you what you want, but it does create space for connection rather than conflict.

Identifying Your Three Parts

The first step in shifting these patterns is learning to recognize when each part of you shows up:

• The Wounded Child: Often quiet but deeply emotional, this part carries your rawest pain, fear or shame.

• The Adaptive Child: Quick to react and rigid, this part uses old survival strategies to protect the Wounded Child. Fight, flight, freeze, fawn, fix.

• The Wise Adult: Calm, compassionate, flexible and capable of responding with clarity and keeping the ‘us’ of partnership in mind.

How these parts show up may change depending on the phase of your life or relationship. The work is to consistently check in, identify who’s driving, and make sure your Wise Adult stays in charge.

Ready to Befriend Your Inner Child?

The path to a healthier relationship begins with understanding yourself. By nurturing your Wounded Child, demoting your Adaptive Child, and empowering your Wise Adult, you can break free from old patterns and create the connection you deserve.

If you’re ready to explore this work, I offer:

• In-person and online workshops

• Couples intensives

• Individual and couples sessions

Let’s work together to bring your Wise Adult to the forefront.