The 5 Loosing Strategies In Relationship — what to do instead.

In every relationship, we fall into behaviour that undermine our connection and intimacy. One of my favourite teachers, Terry Real, founder of Relational Life Therapy, identified five common "Losing Strategies" that couples use when they’re stuck. While these strategies may feel satisfying in the moment, they rarely lead to the connection and resolution we want.

Take a moment to reflect: Do any of these resonate with you? Better yet, share this with your partner and identify the top one or two strategies that show up for each of you in your relationship. Awareness is the first step toward meaningful change.

1. Needing to Be Right

This strategy feels like a courtroom drama: each partner becomes a lawyer, marshalling evidence to prove their case. Arguments volley back and forth like a tennis match, with both partners insisting they know the “truth.”

At its core, this strategy often stems from self-righteous indignation. But in close relationships, being “right” rarely matters as much as being connected.

What to do instead: Ask yourself, “Who’s right? Who cares?” Instead of playing verbal tennis, take a break to calm down. When you’re both more regulated, revisit the issue with a mindset of curiosity and collaboration. Focus on understanding your partner’s perspective rather than proving your own.

2. Controlling Your Partner

Control can show up in subtle ways: giving unsolicited advice, micromanaging your partner’s actions, or trying to “fix” them. Oftentimes for men, this may come across as patronizing or authoritative. For women, it can manifest as subtle influence—the power behind the throne.

When you feel the urge to control, remember this: you can’t manage your partner’s behaviour. The only person you can change is yourself.

What to do instead: When you’re tempted to “fix” or direct your partner, pause and ask yourself, “What am I avoiding in my own behaviour or feelings?” Focus on expressing your request clearly and respectfully, without trying to manipulate or manage.

3. Unbridled Self-Expression

This strategy might feel like catharsis—venting every detail of your frustrations and pain. You might think, “If I just let them know how miserable I feel, they’ll finally get it!” But dumping your emotions on your partner doesn’t create connection. In fact, it often leaves them feeling attacked and defensive.

Traditional talk therapy has the tendency to reinforce this behaviour by encouraging endless venting without moving toward something new.

What to do instead: Ask yourself, “Is my goal to express myself or to solve the issue?” You can’t do both at the same time. If your priority is connection, focus on sharing your feelings in no more than 2 sentences and then shifting toward collaborative problem-solving.

4. Retaliation

Retaliation can take many forms: saying something intentionally hurtful, withholding affection or warmth, or even “forgetting” to do something your partner asked. Whether direct or passive-aggressive, retaliation is about punishing your partner for hurting you.

The problem? Retaliation might feel satisfying in the moment, but it escalates conflict and damages trust over time.

What to do instead: When you feel the urge to retaliate, pause and ask yourself, “What am I really hurt about?” '“Am I regulated enough to reach out for repair?”

5. Withdrawal

Withdrawal can look like shutting down, walking away from conflict without setting a time to revisit it, or avoiding certain topics altogether. It can stem from fear of conflict, a sense of futility, or simply feeling overwhelmed.

While withdrawing might feel like self-protection, it often leaves your partner feeling abandoned or dismissed.

What to do instead: Practice “responsible distance-taking.” If you need space to calm down, communicate that clearly: “I’m overwhelmed right now, I’m willing to come back to this conversation in an hour. I’ll check in with you then.” Show your partner that you’re committed to resolving the issue, even if you need time to gather yourself first.

Why These Strategies Don’t Work

The five losing strategies—needing to be right, controlling your partner, unbridled self-expression, retaliation, and withdrawal—may feel instinctual, but they don’t build intimacy. Instead, they keep couples stuck in dysregulation, cycles of conflict and disconnection.

In Couples Sessions, Workshops and Intensives we tackle these patterns head-on. The goal isn’t just to avoid destructive behaviours but to replace them with the 5 Winning Strategies.

Moving Toward Connection

Changing these behaviours takes courage, self-awareness, practice and nervous system regulation. The reward is a relationship where both partners feel respected, understood, and deeply connected.

If you’re ready to move past these losing strategies and build a stronger, more fulfilling relationship, let’s talk. Whether through private sessions or intensives, I can help you break free from these patterns and create the love you’re both worthy of.