Is Unintegrated Childhood Trauma Affecting Your Marriage?
Marriage is often described as a union of two souls, two hearts, and two lives. But let’s be honest—it's also a coming together of two histories. And sometimes, those histories include unhealed wounds and unintegrated childhood trauma that quietly (or not so quietly) show up in our most intimate relationships.
If you’ve been feeling stuck in a cycle of conflict, disconnection, or misunderstanding with your partner, you’re not alone. The truth is, unresolved childhood trauma can have a profound impact on marriage. The good news? With awareness, support, and modern skills, healing is not only possible but beyond what you may have envisioned—for both you and your relationship.
How Trauma Shapes Our Adult Relationships
Dr. Gabor Maté, renowned for his work on trauma, explains, “Trauma is not what happens to you. Trauma is what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you.” Childhood trauma, whether it’s overt (like abuse or neglect) or passive (like emotional absence or neglect), shapes how we see ourselves, others, and the world.
These early experiences are imprinted in our nervous systems, influencing how we react to stress, express emotions, and form connections. In marriage, these patterns can show up as:
Hypervigilance: Constantly scanning for potential threats to the relationship, leading to defensiveness, boundaryless-ness or overreacting to small issues.
Emotional shutdown: Struggling to stay present during difficult conversations, or avoiding them altogether.
Needing To Be Right: Struggling to see things from your partner’s perspective and lack of tolerance to see the ‘us’ when conflict or misunderstandings arise
Codependency: Losing yourself in your partner's needs or trying to "fix" them to feel worthy of love.
Control issues: Trying to dominate or micromanage to create a false sense of safety.
These behaviours are survival strategies that were once necessary but now get in the way of intimacy and connection.
The Marriage Mirror
Terry Real, a pioneer in relational therapy, often says, “Marriage is a healing institution.” What he means is that our relationships bring our wounds to the surface, not to punish us, but to help us heal.
Your partner’s behaviour might trigger old feelings of abandonment, shame, or inadequacy, while your reactions might unintentionally trigger theirs. This cycle—what Real calls "core negative interactions"—can make both partners feel unheard, unseen, and unloved.
The pain of these triggers is real, but so is the opportunity they offer: to face the unhealed parts of ourselves with courage and compassion.
Signs That Childhood Trauma May Be Affecting Your Marriage
Recurring Arguments About the Same Issues: Do you and your partner fight about the same things, over and over? These patterns often stem from deeper, unresolved emotional wounds.
Difficulty Trusting or Feeling Safe: If you grew up in an environment where trust was broken or safety wasn’t guaranteed, it’s natural for those feelings to show up in your marriage.
Struggles with Intimacy: Whether it’s emotional or physical intimacy, trauma can create barriers that make closeness feel risky or overwhelming.
Feeling Stuck or Helpless: You know you want things to change, but you don’t know how to break the cycle.
Healing Childhood Trauma in the Context of Marriage
Healing begins with recognizing that your struggles don’t have to last forever —they’re a call for growth. Here’s how you can begin the process:
1. Self-Awareness
Start by getting curious about your reactions. Ask yourself:
What emotion do I feel when I’m triggered or wound up? (joy, anger, pain, fear, shame, guilt, love)
Where do I feel it in my body?
What do I do when I’m in this state?
When I do this, what does my significant other do?
When my significant other does what they do, then what do I feel and do?
Bringing awareness to these connections can help you respond in a new way rather than reacting from old wounds. Slowly changing the dance between you and your partner, the dance that’s no fun for you or your partner.
2. Learn How To Give and Receive An Apology
Read my Article Moving from Conflict Back into Connection: 4 Easy Steps to Repair After a Fight to learn how to do apologies like a champ. We’re all human and we all mess up at times. Studies show that couples who can repair after a rupture are more likely to stay together long-term than those who don’t do this well.
3. Seek Support
Healing trauma isn’t something you have to—or should—do alone. Working with a somatic/body-based therapist or RLT coach can help you and your partner uncover and process the deeper layers driving your conflicts.
Bert Hellinger, the founder of Family Constellations therapy, teaches that many of our struggles are inherited, passed down through generations. Exploring these family dynamics with a trained professional can bring clarity and healing, not just for you, but for your relationship as well.
4. Create Rituals of Connection
Terry Real reminds us that relationships thrive on intentionality. Simple rituals—like a weekly check-in, holding hands during difficult conversations, or expressing what you cherish about your partner daily—can help you rebuild trust and connection.
What’s Possible When You Heal
I’ve had the privilege of working with couples who’ve transformed their relationships by addressing unintegrated trauma. Once couples learn how their past is getting in the way of who they want to be as a couple and do the deep healing and skill work to move forward, their a transformed unit. The key wasn’t fixing each other but learning how to cultivate space for their individual healing journeys within the container of their marriage. In front of one and other, in my work we do deep trauma healing in the presence of your partner, which opens both individuals hearts.
Clients often share that as they heal their past wounds, they:
Feel more secure and grounded in their relationship.
Navigate conflicts with empathy and patience.
Experience deeper intimacy and connection.
Develop a renewed sense of purpose as a couple.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
Unintegrated trauma doesn’t have to define your marriage. It’s never too late to break free from old patterns, to choose love over fear, and to create a relationship that feels safe, nourishing, and alive.
If this resonates with you, let’s connect. With over a decade of experience helping people heal from trauma, I’m here to support you in building a partnership that not only works but thrives.
Healing is possible. It starts with a willingness to look within and take the next step. Let’s take it together. Learn about Intensive options.
