When Emotions Collide: How Fight and Flight Responses Play Out in Relationships
If you’ve ever felt like you and your partner are stuck in a never-ending dance of push and pull, you’re not alone. Many couples get caught in patterns where one partner pursues and the other withdraws. What’s driving this cycle? Often, it’s our nervous system reacting in ways that were designed to protect us but end up creating disconnection instead.
Let’s explore how stress responses like fight, fix, flight, and freeze show up in relationships — and what you can do to shift the dynamic.
The Fight-Fix Meets Flight-Freeze Dynamic
Meet Alexa and Ryan, a couple caught in this common pattern:
Alexa is an angry, complaining pursuer (1 of 365 days of the year). When upset, their fight response kicks in, leading to verbal confrontation. Alexa also has a strong fix response, feeling an urgent need to resolve conflict quickly to restore connection.
Ryan is walled off and tends to go “one up” in conflict, meaning he often feels his way is the right way and retreats when overwhelmed. His fight response shows up as needing to prove he’s right in an argument, but when things escalate, his flight response takes over, leading to withdrawal and emotional numbness.
Here’s how a typical argument might unfold:
Alexa: (Frustrated.) “You always come home late without calling. I’ve told you a million times how disrespectful it feels!”
Ryan: (Defensively.) “I’m not always late. You’re exaggerating again.”
Alexa: “Oh, so now I’m a bad person for having feelings? You never take responsibility for anything!”
Ryan: “That’s not true. You’re blowing this out of proportion. I had a long day at work, my job is really important, I’m unwinding now and you’re making it about you.”
As the fight escalates, Alexa’s fight-fix response intensifies. Their tone grows sharper, and they start listing past grievances, desperately trying to get Ryan to acknowledge their feelings.
Ryan’s fight response keeps him in the argument for a while, trying to get Alexa to see his side and prove Alexa wrong. But as the tension builds, his flight response takes over. He crosses his arms, looks at his phone, and eventually says, “I can’t do this right now,” walking out of the room.
Alexa feels abandoned and unheard. Ryan feels attacked and annoyed that Alexa started another argument again. Both are left miserable and disconnected.
What’s Really Happening?
Alexa’s angry, complaining pursuit is their nervous system’s way of saying, “I don’t feel connected or seen in this moment, and I need to fix it now!”
Ryan’s defensive and subtle withholding responses are his nervous system’s way of saying, “I feel overwhelmed, I don’t need you, and I need to shut down to protect myself.”
These are biological stress responses — not self-aware choices. When triggered, our lower brain takes over, prioritizing survival over connection. Unfortunately, what protects us in the moment often perpetuates the very patterns we want to break free from.
Breaking the Cycle
The good news is, this cycle isn’t permanent. With awareness and practice, couples can learn to recognize their nervous system responses and create space for healthier, more harmonious interactions. Here’s how Alexa and Ryan could approach this differently:
Step 1: Recognize the Pattern
Both partners need to understand that their reactions aren’t the best part of them but automatic stress responses. For example:
Alexa might notice their racing heart and urge to escalate the conversation as signs of their fight and fix responses.
Ryan might notice his clenched jaw or the sudden urge to leave or turn away as signs of his flight response kicking in.
Step 2: Pause to Regulate
When triggered, it’s essential to pause and re-regulate your nervous system. This could mean noticing your seat and paying attention to your breath for a few minutes, grounding yourself by noticing physical sensations, or stepping away for a set amount of time (with an agreement to revisit the conversation later).
Step 3: Respond Instead of React
Once regulated, Alexa might say: “I’m sorry I jumped on you right when you walked in the door and didn’t regulate myself. I was feeling really upset and let it out on you which is not cool. What would be great is if you called ahead of time when you’re running more than 15 minutes late.”
Ryan might say: “You’re right, I’m late often, I’m sorry honey. I don’t want you to feel disrespected. Would you like me to call you if I need to stay late?” Is there anything else I can do to help you feel better?
Read this article to Learn How To Repair In 4 Easy Steps.
The Power of Regulation
When couples build skills for self-regulation and co-regulation, they can shift from reacting out of fear to responding with intention. This creates a space where both partners feel seen and valued, even in the midst of conflict and misunderstanding.
Ready to Transform Your Relationship?
If you and your partner feel stuck in a push-pull dynamic, you don’t have to navigate it alone. I specialize in helping couples understand their stress responses, regulate their nervous systems, and build deeper connections.
Book a session or a couples intensive weekend today to start breaking the cycle and creating the relationship you truly want. Let’s work together to bring safety, understanding, and intimacy back into your love life.
