Moving from Conflict Back into Connection: 4 Easy Steps to Repair After a Fight

In many of the couples I work with, a common problem arises: we were never taught how to repair after conflict. We’re human, and we mess up. But few of us know how to genuinely apologize and reconnect when our actions hurt our partner.

Does this sound familiar? Has your partner ever said, “It feels like you don’t care about how I feel”?

In this blog post, I’ll teach you a simple, 4-step skill to repair and reconnect after conflict (aka rupture and repair). Let’s use a specific example of a heterosexual couple:

Imagine This:

The Scenario: You and your partner have had a heated argument. He snapped at her during a stressful moment, and now she’s feeling hurt and unimportant. He realizes he wants to make it right but isn’t sure how.

Here’s how to move from conflict back into connection in 4 simple steps.

Step 1: Say “I’m Sorry” and Be Specific

This is where most apologies fall flat—they lack specificity. A good apology needs to clearly acknowledge what happened.

Example:
"I’m sorry I didn’t regulate myself in that moment when I snapped at you. "

This shows you’re taking responsibility for your actions, not just saying sorry to smooth things over.

Step 2: Acknowledge the Pattern and Your Character Flaw

For many, this is the hardest part—but also the most important. Owning that this isn’t the first time it’s happened, and that it’s a pattern you’re working on, builds trust.

Example:
"I know this isn’t the first time this has happened. I struggle with staying calm in stressful moments, and I know it’s something I need to work on."

Acknowledging your flaw doesn’t mean excusing it. It shows self-awareness and a commitment to growth.

Step 3: Commit to Changing Your Character Flaw

An apology without action is hollow. Here, you commit to tangible steps to address the pattern.

Example:
"I’m going to start taking a 20min walk every morning to ground and take care of myself. I’ve also booked a session with Luana to help me build more capacity for regulation."

When you share what you’re doing to grow, it reassures your partner that you’re serious about change. We all have character flaws and it’s up to us to take the steps to transform them.

Step 4: Ask How You Can Help Right Now

Repair is about more than just words. It’s about offering something meaningful to your partner in the moment.

Example:
"Is there anything I can do to make this better right here, right now?"

Your partner might say:

• “I need a hug.”

• “I’d like some quiet time for 30 minutes.”

• “I need you to apologize to Kai (our son) for raising your voice in front of him.”

For the one apologizing: Unless the request is running down the street with your hair on fire, do it. This is honouring the repair process fully.

For the Listener: Responding to a Repair Attempt

At the very least, say “Thank you.” Even if you’re still upset or not ready to forgive, acknowledge the effort.

Be careful not to backslide into criticism like:

• “You’ve done this before—how can I trust you won’t do it again?”

• “You shouldn’t have done it in the first place.”

Instead, stay present. If you feel more open-hearted, express what you need to feel better now. Give something actionable your partner can do right here, right now, see examples in Step 4.

Full Apology:

"I’m sorry I didn’t regulate myself in that moment when I snapped at you. I know this isn’t the first time this has happened. I struggle with staying calm in stressful moments, and I know it’s something I need to work on. I’m going to start taking a 20min walk every morning to ground and take care of myself. Is there anything I can do to make this better right here, right now?"

Why This Skill Matters

Learning to repair is like building a muscle—it takes time and practice. Both partners will have opportunities to give and receive apologies as you navigate long-standing patterns together.

However, if you find it hard to stay regulated (for example, stuck in fight, flight, freeze, or fix), this skill may feel impossible to use effectively. That’s where professional support comes in.

Need More Help?

If you’re struggling with these knee-jerk patterns or feeling stuck in disconnection, I can help. I offer couples sessions, intensives and workshops to get to the root of conflict and build a roadmap for repair and reconnection.

Book a Couples Session
Explore a Couples Intensive [coming Jan 2025]
Explore a Workshop [coming Jan 2025]

Remember, learning to repair is a skill—one that can bring more harmony, trust, and love into your relationship.

Warmly,
Luana